A heartbroken Ian Samson seethes over celebrities in committed relationships

Dearest readers, some of you might remember a long-lost epoch in musical history – a time before every song was about liberally pouring shots of absinthe through your retina with Lil’ Wayne. Even before the rapturous day when a modal jazz troupe in Harlem realised that ‘oh’ rhymed with ‘’ho’ and modern rap music was born. I am referring to the long-lost era of love songs, when young cassanovas like Elton John, George Michael and Boy George would melt the hearts of teen girls the world over with their genuine, heartfelt odes to heterosexual romance. And good riddance to that foul, saccharine era, I say.

For you see, dear readers, I was once-upon-a-time betrothed to a lily-white virtuosa by the name of Rebecca Black;

…that is, before the licentious jaws of stardom snatched her ample bosom from mine. Ever since that dark day (I call it Black Tuesday, because of wit) I have been monitoring the romantic movements of every youthful pop starlet, and scowling at their repulsive happiness. And since compiling arbitrary lists of stuff now substitutes for well-constructed journalism, compile I did:

Rachel Stevens and Alex Bourne

Every man remembers his first sexual experience, which is without exception watching the TV series ‘Miami 7’ featuring all them lovely S Club girls. Who even is Alex Bourne? Presumably it’s my mandate as journalist to find out, but instead I spent half an hour ‘Google’-ing (to coin a phrase) pictures of Rachel Stevens circa 2001. Fab.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger

 

“Hey Hey / You you / I don’t like your boyfriend / No way No way / Because he’s that gimp from Nickelback” – Avril Lavigne c. 2007. How Avril Lavigne could spit in the face of her adoring public by so hypocritically going back on her words, sung in her 2007 hit ‘Boyfriend (Chad Kroeger is a Dick)’ is beyond belief. Nonetheless, I would be perfectly happy to go back on my word and start sending her unsolicited, insistent love letters again. Just as soon as they inevitably get divorced citing ‘irreconcilable differences with regards to Kroeger’s obnoxious facial hair’.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth

Strictly speaking this is only an engagement; nonetheless, I felt obliged to include given the number of times I have copy-and-pasted Miley’s signature from her Wikipedia page onto a marriage certificate. Apparently this type of legal contract is unenforceable in court, due to ‘forgery’ and ‘rights’ and ‘this is the third time you’ve tried this week, Mr. Samson’.

Hilary Duff and Mike Comrie

Remember when Disney made life-affirming, hand drawn cartoons of classic tales? Well, they still do, just with real-life beautiful 16 year olds instead of tantalising pencil-and-paper versions. Whether this makes it more or less acceptable to watch them purely out of lust for the characters, I’m still diligently trying to decide. But for now, just look at this picture of possibly Disney’s most gorgeous creation since Wendy in Peter Pan, and contemplate how much you detest her NHL-playing husband.

Dido and Rohan Gavin

She had hair so intriguing that it genuinely has its own wikipedia article (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dido_flip). He has a first name as barmy as his second name, and also shares his first name with a realm in Middle Earth. How infuriating! Try not to think about it too much; instead, try to remember who Dido was. She did that duet with Eminem once? And had a song about her tea going cold? Maybe if she hadn’t spent so much time marrying guys with annoying names and instead kept on writing nondescript pop tunes, we’d still be listening to her music and praising how inoffensive and unchallenging it is.

Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard

 

I thought that I should end on a hopeful, uplifting note; these two damned, beautiful starlets divorced in late 2011, making Zooey and her libidinous fringe fair game once more. Just as importantly, it means Ben’s band Death Cab for Cutie can get back to making heartbreakingly depressing indie-whine albums. Everyone wins. It just goes to show – sometimes love really does have a happy ending.

 

Ian Samson

Rachel Black photo by methodshop.com.

Avril Lavigne photo by karina3094.

Hilary Duff photo by david_shankbone.

Zooey Deschanel photo by rocor.