I don’t mean middle aged guys with slicked back hair and open shirts, skulking round bars in the hope of ensnaring some poor girl who’s had too many martinis to tell whether she’s getting off with a silver fox or a grey badger. I mean the shoes most likely to be found at the end of some spindley legs nurtured by skinny lattes and Marlboro lights, along with high-waisted shorts and ripped tights. Based on the shoes your Auntie had to wear after getting her bunions removed, these platform babies are now most likely to be found trampling the pavements around a Topshop near you. They’re hideous when patent, they’re hideous when suede and they’re most certainly hideous when covered in Pat Butcher leopard print. Get back to the orthopaedic centre.
2. Longchamp Bags
It took me a while to grasp the concept of the Longchamp Bag. When I first moved to St Andrews, I was plagued by visions of them dangling off the arms of every female in my English class. You know that person who wasn’t told that the “Slutty Costume” part of the “Slutty Costume Party” was cancelled? I was that person, except that I was fully clothed and carrying a rucksack. The Longchamp Bag appears to come in two sumptuous colours – swamp water khaki and the most mundane of navies – and both of which are made of the same fabric as your average seatbelt. This is all offset with a darling little leather bit, and a wee gold coloured button. Sound too good to be true? You haven’t heard the best of it yet. One of these beauties will only set you back £77. Bargain.
3. Boots With Fur
“The whole club” was only “looking at her” because she looked like a twat. Fur lined boots of all varieties resemble roadkill tied around your ankles, except with a bit less internal organs. If the offending items involve studs, that’s even worse – that’s the footwear equivalent to wearing a t-shirt that says “Rock Chick” on it. They’re not even practical for Christ’s sake – venture out into the Antarctic Wasteland and the fur will be soaked and mouldy within seconds of your trek. If you go anywhere inside and vaguely warm, your feet will be gloriously sweaty just as quickly. Do yourself a favour, and get a nice pair of Chelsea boots instead. You’ll thank me for it.
4. The Crop-Top-Maxi-Skirt Combo
These ugly sisters were everywhere during the summer months, even migrating as far north as my hometown of Aberdeen, which gets about 3 hours of sunlight a year and everyone is dying of vitamin D deficiency. Let me start with the crop top bit. Maybe I’m bitter because I know I could never wear one (too many glasses of Tesco Cava and 2-for-1 Jammy Dodger special offers have seen to that), but to be honest, they were left in the 90s for a reason – along with spiked up hair and those weird trousers with the poppers at the side. They are neither classy nor sophisticated, and while I cannot claim to be a champion in either of these fields, I feel that one should at least try. Then, when combined with a high-waisted-maxi-skirt, we get a bizarre set of proportions which should probably be investigated by the university maths department, and everyone looks like they are missing a belly button. Plus, those long skirts inevitably trail along the ground, lapping up every millilitre of liquid possible. Yes, that includes the vodka-y vomit outside the Lizard.
5. Those Dresses With Bits Cut Out At The Sides
I can only imagine the conception of these dresses happened like this – one night a popular girl had an argument with her kid brother, who by way of revenge took his plastic scissors and hacked away at the sides of her favourite dress. The girl was so angry that she wore the mutilated garment out that evening anyway. In doing so, she unwittingly started a trend popular in the kind of nightclubs which invite you to events over Facebook called things like “*** Bangin Night With Jojo from Made In The Only Way Is Geordie – Jaeger Only £1 – Dirty Beats All Night Long ***”. People just copied her in the way people copied Regina George’s holey-top-with-bra-thing in Mean Girls – because they were mental. That’s the only way such a travesty could have occurred. The only way.
Image from Wiki Commons