This week we have a great contribution from a brand new writer Stan Usovicz. His absurd piece satirizes ‘the life of an icon’ (see if you can guess who it is!) in a story of the life of a bee called ‘Beezus’ in our very own town of St Andrews.
ACTION NEWS OBITUARY
THE END OF AN ERA: A reflection on the life of an icon
Reporter: Stan Usovicz
St. Andrews, Fife-
Reports of detriment have flooded in from the small cobble stoned town in the East of Scotland. Crippling chills, white-capped waves, and rains, raze the deteriorating, defenseless township and its residents.
The toll is tremendous – not only weighing on the sanity of the local human population – but also reaching deep down the chain of dominance, to the lowly insect.
The modern insect faces challenges unimaginable to us warm-blooded, but often cold-hearted, onlookers. They are permanent members to the Scottish landscape and can’t simply kick up the heater a few notches while Netflix buffers on yet another grim and gruesome day. Not only is the modern insect bogged down by its brutal Mother, but he is shrouded in a world of hatred and disgust, thrust to the fringes of society, shooed away, swatted. No insect knows this better than the Bee, and no Bee knew this better than Beezus.
“Beezus” Nest, originally Hon-ye Omari Nest, was born on June Eighth, and entered into a mixed family. His queen-bee mother and worker father separated shortly after the mating process and Beezus spent much of his early childhood with his mother, living on the side of a Chinese take-away. Despite this unspectacular beginning, there was an omnipresent sense that Beezus was destined for a life beyond the worker bee grind.
Entering into the underworld of Insect rapping circles, Beezus was greatly influenced by other great voices of the time like A Hive Called Nest, BeeMX, and other greats. Finding it hard to swarm on to the scene like some of the older bugs, he aligned himself with a cricket gang called the “Chirps”. In order to earn his stripes Beezus took out more “Bloods” – their rival Mosquito gang – than any other member in history. This earned him the street-cred required to burst onto the scene, and proved he truly was a member of the “Bhug Lyfe.”
His first album “The Foliage Dropout” gained a lot of attention, with his singles “Getting Honey” and “Gold Digger” topping the charts for three whole days. This was first of his many successes, as he continued to grow his empire and pave his way to superstardom with his later album “Watch The Drone”.
But no celebrity comes without adversity. Along with the stacks of honey, all the nectar he could drink, and more eggs to incubate than he could have ever imagined, Beezus soon found himself with a crippling pollen addiction and baby mommas demanding he pay larvae support for his plethora of children. Soon his music began to break down and he left for a few days to go out in the world and find himself.
Well, he may have found himself out in the wild, however no one knows. After a two hour long search, he was eventually found by insectigators.
–Warning: Disturbing image–
(Photo Cred. Stan Usovicz)
The legend of his generation, was found cross-legged and on his side, apparently having trapped himself in between two windows. Thus far, autopsies have been inconclusive, and suicide or a pollen overdose has not, as of yet, been ruled out.
At the crisp age of fourteen days, a star has fallen, leaving dozens of his fans and family to grieve. A bug that once flew to the top of the charts and inspired so many might have been remembered as one of the greatest musicians of all time, but alas, he is just a ball of jumbled limbs and rotting flesh under a cloud-infested sky…nothing more.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Stanley Abraham Usovicz is a renowned joke-writer for the popular popsiclestick-joke powerhouse, DadHumor©. He currently resides in the Castle Sands cave with his imaginary wife Jennifer and their three kids Pablo, Angie, and Petunia.