*Or, What Movies I Vaguely Remember

Token physicist of Dover Flat 1 (of “Dover Dinners” fame) and new staff writer Duncan Swan offers a heartwarming spread of five films that will undoubtedly stoke your holiday spirit to an all-time high. Probably.


 

Christmas is here. Apparently. It is dark, you (I) watched How to Get Away with Murder in four days flat leaving you (me) with a gaping hole in your life.
Here’s five holiday movies that somewhere are probably selling at half price. Or maybe double the normal price? I do not know how these things work. Somehow, the economy…the movies…Christmas…Christmas…Christmas? Capitalism.

1. The Nightmare Before Christmas

It is Tim Burton’s classic that you never know whether you should watch at Halloween or Christmas so end up watching sometime between the two. Or maybe both times. Hey, that means now is one of several right times to watch it!

If you do not know what it is about, it is Halloween and Christmas mixed together with some musical numbers in between. People like to sing at Christmas. People do not like to sing at Halloween though, probably screaming is more common. Although…I think there is screaming too in the movie? Maybe it was just me screaming.

2. Home Alone

Ok, so the film sub-editor told me to put this in, but luckily, I am pretty fond of it. “Carol of the Bells” is in it and I like that song. You are probably best watching the first two, but maybe brave the third if you really do not want to do your coursework. I think I heard about a fourth one but it is likely either rubbish or a lie.

I am trying to remember what happens in them now. There are some burglars, I think burglars are definitely an important plot point. Also a pigeon lady who lives above a concert hall in the second one? Oh and I am sure there is a guy called Mr Duncan. I always remembered that because my name is Duncan. Regardless, watch these movies, they are cute.

3. Make the Yuletide Gay
This is the token holiday film despite the fact it is almost definitely average. I first came upon this movie last year when the LGBT society put on a showing of it. The best part is the bunk bed joke, it is awful. If you can brave one film for one joke, definitely pull this one off the shelves at your local video store.

Basically, there is this gay guy who goes home to see his parents for the holidays but his boyfriend turns up and he is all like “oh no my parents can’t know! Let’s see how long I can hide this from them before I inevitably tell them”. It is pretty predictable but that is the beauty of it. I would give the film a rating of “incredi-bad”, a term introduced to me by the film editor and her friend.

4. The Muppet’s Christmas Carol

Right. Ok. Here we go. DRY HEAVES.

I LOVE The Muppets. And you know, Charles Dickens is pretty good too. This is a roller coaster of a film (I mean not really, but you should still watch it); it has ghosts, dark and mysterious lighting and DEATH…Merry Christmas. My one qualm would be that there is no Swedish Chef, by far the most superior Muppet. Although maybe I have just forgotten him? I am sorry I have not actually watched any of these movies in a while, now that I think about it…

5. A Christmas Carol
Not gonna lie, I have run out of ideas. Still, it is enjoyable, even if it is similar to the previous movie… It has got Jim Carey in it if you care for his movies? Ooh, he did The Grinch Who Stole Christmas as well. There. Watch that. It has got rhyming and a hugely impractical Christmas tree and that woman from Mamma Mia and Into the Woods who is great (not Meryl Streep, sorry, I know you are disappointed. I am too.).

For those not familiar with it, there is this guy who has a really busy schedule and there is this little girl who would rather he did Christmas instead of getting through his to-do list so that he can grow a heart and ultimately feel emotions like pain, suffering and loss. Something like that.

 

Have fun with your holiday movie watching. I am saying holiday, I know fine well they are all Christmas films. Sorry. I was brought up in a Christmas dominated society. I think? I do not know, that is just what I have seen. I am sorry. For a wider range of other winter movies use Google or other search engine equivalent. Or you know, watch the Downton Abbey Christmas Specials instead – still Christmas but with Maggie Smith who makes everything better except when she is sad and you just wish that Sybil had not died, not because you particularly cared for Sybil, but just because you do not want Maggie Smith to look sad! I have a few emotions right now. Like three. Anyway, that is the spirit of Christmas.

Eurgh will that do? I need a gin now*
*A note from the editor: there is Bombay in the cupboard, save it for me.

 

 

Duncan Swan