Back again in our series of Trashy Internet Quizzes is longtime (we sometimes wonder just how long) Tribe staff writer John Silver, an Alternative Medicine student at St Andrews with a quiz to help you find the best milk alternative for you. 


Reaching the milk aisle and being faced (unprepared) with seven or eight options is a genuine ordeal for the average consumer, and not conducive to any form of psychological well-being. So, here at The Tribe, we thought we would come to your rescue. In twelve simple questions, this article will help you remove any uncertainty you may have about your ideal milk-alternative purchase. Remember to keep track of the number corresponding to each of your answers.


Close your eyes and concentrate. Which of these do you intuitively feel most deficient in? (note: this question is purely speculation-based, but I won’t hold you back from a blood test if so desired)

1. Protein
2. B12
3. Fibre
4. Magnesium and amino acids
5. Phytochemicals
6. Proto-antioxidants and Milobrogues


What is your star sign?
1. Taurus or Cancer
2. Scorpio or Leo
3. Gemini or Libra
4. Pisces or Aquarius
5. Aires or Capricorn
6. Sagittarius or Virgo

What is your Ayurvedic body type? (feel free to guess if you don’t know)
1. Vata
2. Pitta-Vata
3. Pitta
4. Pitta-Kapha
5. Kapha
6. Kapha-Vata

Choose a smoothie ingredient:
1. Cacao Nibs
2. Kale
3. Blueberries
4. Chia seeds
5. Crushed baobab
6. Chlorella

What are you most likely to use the milk alternative for?
1. It varies
2. In coffee
3. In hot chocolates
4. In smoothies or to make vegan ice cream
5. To drink on its own or in baking
6. For a detox

Which of these cookbooks most appeals to you?
1. Jamie’s Italy (by Jamie Oliver)
2. Anything by Ottolengi
3. A Modern way to eat (By Anna Jones)
4. Symmetrybreakfast (by Micheal Zee)
5. Anti-Gravity cakes (By Jayne Cross)
6. Deliciously Ella Everyday (by Ella Woodward)

What would be your ideal holiday?
1. Skiing
2. WWOOFing somewhere
3. Swimming in the sea
4. Living in a commune
5. A Spa
6. A naked yoga retreat or cleanse

Choose something natural:
1. Soil
2. Meadows
3. The sea
4. Grass
5. Vines
6. Mother Earth

What colour do you think your soul is?
1. Green
2. A soul doesn’t have a colour
3. Blue
4. Purple
5. Red
6. The colour of spiritual bliss

Which of these do you think is the most evil food/compound?
1. Lactose
2. Nuts
3. Sugar
4. Wheat
5. Anything processed
6. Fat

Which food/drink could you not live without?
1. Pumpkin Spice Latte’s
2. Vegetables
3. Water (duh)
4. Chocolate
5. My various nut butters
6. Flax and acai powder

Which Chakra do you feel most kinship with?
1. Root Chakra (represents our feeling of being grounded)
2. Heart Chakra (ability to love)
3. Solar Plexus Chakra (confidence and control)
4. Throat Chakra (communication)
5. Sacral Chakra (sexuality and ability to accept others)
6. Third Eye Chakra (represents focus and imagination)



Mostly 1’s: Soya Milk – the traditional not-milk milk. A bit basic, but we’ll forgive you.


Mostly 2’s: Oat Milk. Probably the best tasting. Although, watch out! According to one internet blogger, it is regularly contaminated with wheat *gasp*. If wheat is on your blacklist, then you may have to sacrifice this indulgent treat. It is, however, fortified with B12 and high in protein, with slightly more calories per cup than other milk alternatives.

Out of all the dairy-free milks, it holds up best when added to tea and coffee, and is even possible to micro-foam (although you will need a good barista). In a smoothie, its sweet taste means it is best paired with things that are less sweet – kale, lemon and Braeburn/Bramley apples are a personal recommendation.


Mostly 3’s: Almond Milk. Full of healthy omega-6 fats and antioxidants to starve off free-radicals and prevent ageing. Basically, a one-way ticket to immortality.
Unsweetened almond milk has only 13 calories per 100g (the lowest of all the milk alternatives) and a subtle nutty flavour. This makes it a great milk for hot chocolates, as the hint of almond gives a more complex flavour and particularly compliments Green and Black’s 75%. Alternatively, unsweetened almond milk works well in smoothies when combined with sweeter fruits – try it with a ripe banana, ginger and blueberries.


Mostly 4’s: Hemp Milk or Flax Milk. I’d suggest mixing it up between the two, as it’s disturbing to have eaten kilos of just one type of grass seed. Also, then you can have the perfect blend of good karma and bliss. In 2013, almond milk was leading the game, but hemp milk is on trend at the moment (and flax milk is up-and-coming), so well done!


To be frank, neither taste great, but with a bit of CBT I’m sure you can convince yourself to love it. Try thinking of good things as you drink it (as a starting point, think of how trendy you’re being). Hemp milk is also fortified with calcium and vitamin D, and works well frozen with honey or berries to make vegan ice cream. Our Editor-in-Chief recalls drinking it as a baby in Williamsburg Brooklyn before any of this was trendy… Hemp is grown in the UK, so has a better carbon footprint than other milk alternatives. As a final note, hemp and marijuana are both strains of cannabis sativa, but differ in the way they have been selectively bred – the former for use in industry and the second for recreational use – in short, hemp is bred for having low (or no) THC. So, if you were tempted to boil down/concentrate the milk and smoke it, you’d be better off spending your time doing something else. Also per gram weed might even be cheaper, depending on how fancy your hemp milk is.


Mostly 5’s: Cashew Milk. Sometimes called ‘the cows of the vegan world’, cashews are creamy and high in phytochemicals (antioxidants with disease-preventing properties).

Ideally make your own from truly ‘raw’ cashews – NOTE: ‘raw’ here does not just mean ‘unroasted’. In supermarkets, the cashews that call themselves ‘raw’ are steamed out of their shells (the liars!) and so actually cooked. Only a few places stock truly raw cashews… these little nuts have to be hand shelled to maintain their rawness, adding a couple of hours onto a third-world labourer’s day. Here’s a link for your convenience:


However, one blogger warns the cashew-lover to enjoy their cashews in moderation: ‘they [cashews] contain over 25 different strains of fungi, which means they can be high in bacteria, yeast, fungus and mould, which can produce mycotoxins in the body.’ . And nobody wants extra mycotoxins.

Mostly 6’s: Mint chip Kamut Khorasan and Quinoa Milk (RTP: £43). SO many ancient grains and too many health benefits to list here. In the words of Gwyneth Paltrow, it will leave you feeling ‘light and fresh’. Only stocked in one shop in LA. Pulse with Moon Juice and black baby kale for a refreshing treat. For more information:


(FYI – John Silver has his integrity to protect, so in case you haven’t realised, the last milk (as far as we know) doesn’t actually exist and is merely a foil to represent the insatiable desire in a certain type of consumer for a milk-alternative that meets all of their clean-eating expectations which are themselves most likely to be an underlying attempt to deny the possibility of death rooted in certain unclarified moral assumptions about the ‘badness’ of death. Any form of deception was unintentional, as John Silver’s intention was primarily concerned with social comment, however, that said, there may very well be such a milk somewhere in California that’s existence John Silver did not know about, but then the interesting coincidence of a real-world instantiation of Mint chip Hemp and Quinoa Milk would outweigh any epistemic blameworthiness he would otherwise be subject to.)