Menu:

Hot Chocolate 03/20/2010
 
“It’s the voluptuous inner-thigh quiver that does it”. 

 I pour scalding water into a row of grubby candle holders. One cracks, spitting hot water all over the counter. I hastily dab at the waxy mess with a crumpled napkin and scoop the shards into the bin, hiding the evidence with an empty meringue box. By the window, two young women stir mugs of hot chocolate. One wears a low cut v-neck. The other wears a jumper. Vee and Jay converse. 

 VEE: ‘She has a talent, that woman. There’s no denying it.’

 JAY: ‘Hmm. Lucky lady’.

 VEE: ‘Nah, there’s more to it than just luck. She’s skilful. She’s dexterous. I mean, I’ve tried to make Passion Jellies four or five times, and each attempt has been an utter slump. Surely if luck had any part to play it would have intervened by now?’

 JAY: ‘Aww, I’m sure your Passion Jellies weren’t that bad.’

 VEE: ‘I served the first and second attempts in a communal bucket with straws. The third had to be carved. Conclusion: I don’t have what it takes.’

 JAY: ‘Still. I bet they tasted lovely.’

 VEE: Shakes her head. ‘Not really. The taste buds can only handle so much gelatine.’

 JAY: ‘Ah, Nigella. How does she do it?’

 VEE: ‘I wonder. You know what else she does? She boils ham joints in cola.’

 JAY: ‘She doesn’t!’

 VEE: ‘She does. And she mashes marshmallows into her spuds.’

 JAY: ‘She doesn’t!’

 VEE: ‘She does.’ 

 Both girls spoon cream pensively. 

 VEE: ‘When you get the munchies at night, what do you normally eat?’

JAY: ‘Erm, I don’t know… fruit?’

 VEE: ‘Really? You’d honestly opt for vits over carbs when the midnight munchies hit?’

 JAY: ‘Well, maybe toast. Or pizza. But sometimes fruit. Usually fruit.’

 VEE: Dubious. ‘Whatever. So I was watching this episode where Nigella got the munchies, and you know what she did?’

 JAY: ‘What did she do?’

 VEE: ‘She put six croissants in a dish, then slathered them in melted butter, sugar and an ENTIRE TUB of double cream. And then she baked them. And then she ate them.’

 JAY: ‘What, ALL of them? All by herself?’

 VEE: ‘Yep. I saw her do it. It was live. It was real.’

 JAY: Sadly. ‘Croissants make me fat. I’d get fat if I ate six croissants.’ 

 Vee slams down her mug. It slops. Jay jumps. 

 VEE: ‘You know what? We shouldn’t have to worry about getting fat. We shouldn’t have to care about getting fat. I’m SICK of people STRESSING OUT about being FAT!  Take a look at Nigella! She’s no slimster, but she’s happy. Why can’t we eat six croissants and be happy?’

 JAY: ‘I think six croissants would make me feel sick’.

 VEE: Sighs. ‘You’re missing the point. It doesn’t necessarily have to be six croissants. It could be two. It could be three. It could be anything, anything that breaks the ‘half-a grapefruit-and-a-glass-of-water-at-room-temperature’ norm. Don’t you see what’s happening? Society has been shackled! Where is the FREEDOM? Where is the JOY?’

 JAY: ‘Hmm. Shackled. Totally.’

 VEE: ‘I asked myself: why don’t we live more like Nigella? Why don’t we eat pie when we want pie, why don’t we embrace our ripples and rolls as Mother Nature intended?’

 JAY: ‘Hmm. Rolls. Totally.’

 VEE: ‘So you know what I did? I cooked those croissants.’

 JAY: Gasp. ‘Oh. My gosh. You did?’

 VEE: ‘Yeah. For Gerald and I. Figured I’d whip up an after-work treat for both of us.’

 JAY: ‘The whole butter, sugar and cream shebang?’

 VEE: ‘The works. Baked, bronzed and bubbling to perfection’.

 JAY: ‘Crikey. I might have to make this for Trev.’

 VEE: ‘I followed the instructions in her book. She recommended you eat half the dish, then lug it up to the bedroom and work up an appetite for the rest later’.

 JAY: ‘Oooh, she says that? Goodness, she’s such a vixen!’

 VEE: Grimly ‘Hmm. It’s all very thrilling in theory, isn’t it? All that cream. Such romance. Such passion. Anyways, there never was a ‘later’ incidentally.’

 JAY: ‘Oh?’

 VEE: ‘Turns out Gerald’s bloody lactose intolerant, doesn’t it? First he lost his fluids, next he lost his consciousness. He spent five hours in A&E having his bowels stitched back together.’

JAY: ‘Golly.’

 VEE: ‘And that’s not even the worst of it - I gained seven pounds over night!’

 JAY: ‘Oh dear! I am sorry.’

 VEE: Perplexed. ‘I just don’t know how it happened! I mean, I only ate two croissants!’  
  


 JAY: Sadly. ‘Croissants make me fat. I’d get fat if I ate two croissants...’  
 
 


Comments


Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply