What Would Shakespeare Do?
The first in a series of advice columns in which we speculate what a famous author would say
Q: Dear Uncle Bill,
I have decided to pass down the family business to my children, but am worried about creating any ill feeling between them. Any suggestions on how to divide between them fairly?
A: Well, there seems to be only one clear way to proceed. I would suggest your best plan of action would be to make the siblings engage in a battle of ever increasing love decrees in a massive competition of oneupmanships. It would also help to ignore any logic as to which child may actually be sincere. In fact, I would suggest you completely cut this child off. In fact, send them to France. Give your business to the other little bloodsuckers.
Then it’s time to kick back and watch as they slowly but surely strip you of your dignity and home. This can sometimes lead to stormy nights roaming the heath, so don’t forget to bring along a friend, crown of thorns and umbrella and just let yourself go!
Q: Dear Uncle Bill,
I really love my boyfriend but was looking for a way to spice up the relationship. What would you advise?
A little bit of dress up has acted for centuries as a way to reignite a flagging romance. I would suggest you purchase a nice pair of breeches and a stick on beard and go frolicking in the forest with your man. Have him do some saucy tree carving in your honour and top things off by ‘transforming’ back into yourself.
Alternatively, if you are feeling a little more S&M orientated you could try reminding your man what you mean to him. Fake your own death. A sleeping potion will do it, but a heavy night on the lash will produce the same effect. If you have the time and commitment, arrange beforehand for others to carry out the funeral proceedings and watch as your man experiences the psychological trauma of contemplating a world without you.
I would advise that you do not take this one too far, as it has a tendency to get out of hand.
Q: Dear Uncle Bill,
I have decided to pass down the family business to my children, but am worried about creating any ill feeling between them. Any suggestions on how to divide between them fairly?
A: Well, there seems to be only one clear way to proceed. I would suggest your best plan of action would be to make the siblings engage in a battle of ever increasing love decrees in a massive competition of oneupmanships. It would also help to ignore any logic as to which child may actually be sincere. In fact, I would suggest you completely cut this child off. In fact, send them to France. Give your business to the other little bloodsuckers.
Then it’s time to kick back and watch as they slowly but surely strip you of your dignity and home. This can sometimes lead to stormy nights roaming the heath, so don’t forget to bring along a friend, crown of thorns and umbrella and just let yourself go!
Q: Dear Uncle Bill,
I really love my boyfriend but was looking for a way to spice up the relationship. What would you advise?
A little bit of dress up has acted for centuries as a way to reignite a flagging romance. I would suggest you purchase a nice pair of breeches and a stick on beard and go frolicking in the forest with your man. Have him do some saucy tree carving in your honour and top things off by ‘transforming’ back into yourself.
Alternatively, if you are feeling a little more S&M orientated you could try reminding your man what you mean to him. Fake your own death. A sleeping potion will do it, but a heavy night on the lash will produce the same effect. If you have the time and commitment, arrange beforehand for others to carry out the funeral proceedings and watch as your man experiences the psychological trauma of contemplating a world without you.
I would advise that you do not take this one too far, as it has a tendency to get out of hand.